guilty conscience

i'm sort of starting to develop this weird sense of guilt about all the fun i've been having...NOT in clinic. although, this time around, clinic is so bad that really, i deserve every decent moment otherwise...

this is the start of week 3 in san diego. huh. it's been such a weird time so far, it's hard to wrap it up. anxiety and depression might be a good place to start. which seems like odd concepts for me to be grappling with, as they pertain to me.

anxiety as in i can't seem to say or do anything right in clinic, it's all misconstrued and comes out wrong and i look like an idiot. and then i try to make it better by saying something else or changing the subject entirely. which then also lands flat. depression as in what i just said, now famously in print, mirrored in my eval. that came a week early, and with the punch line, "but it's not too late to pull your performance here out of the gutter..."

and there it is. the doom and gloom of performance anxiety gone horribly, horribly wrong. we have a tumultuous relationship at best, my preceptor and i. basically, we just don't talk. i've moved out of his office and into another space just to get away from the silent treatment. it's really no good. i don't know what to do about it. how can everyone else be so great and he is just...not? give me a few days and it will be funny. but right now, i just feel stupid.

fortunately, it's buffered by drug reps hawking delicious goodies and the occasional somewhat interesting schpiel...sometimes twice daily. (lunch and snack time!) there are 3 day a week catered breakfasts for staff.

one doc pulled me aside, giggling madly, and asked me how i've been enjoying my time here so far.
"well, i've not gone hungry, that's for sure", i told him. an honest answer, the best i could do.

"i KNOW!! it's just like camp, only better. i can't believe how much they're paying me and then they feed me too!"

camp scripps. add in mandatory nap time, and this place would be the pinnacle of professional acheivement. they could probably cut salaries in 1/2 and still have a waiting list of employees dying to work here. everyone should be so lucky. everyone should be so deliciously delirious about the simple notion of empty calories...and equally unashamed to show it in mad giggling fits too! i love it. today it was jamba juice. i'm secretly hoping for another round of mediterranean food. the felafels with the cucumber yogurt dipping sauce were fantastic last week. and since we've digressed here, i must say that i could eat fish tacos every nite and be happy. that slot was previously (and hautily) occupied by only sushi and pizza. they'll just have to duke it out for my gastrolove now. nothing like a little fish tacos to beat down my inner wannabefoodiesnob tendancies.

i've been walking to the beach everynite, figuring out the scene at all the beaches in these parts...none are really all that great, but i have finally landed in pacific beach for certain, towards the bay side. it's ok. whatever. i was sick of looking and it was cheap(er) than most. ben is so excited for his slice of melrose place. the sunsets have been great lately due to the fires in LA clogging up the skies and providing lots of cover for the sun to bounce off of.

and went riding bikes with megars this weekend, which was superfun...followed by a dip in the ocean, fish taco heaven, and wine on her deck watching the sun set over san clemente. it was....the gooey center of a reward already encased in the outer shell of happiness. good times. thanks megars! and also, was reminded by the media and my ride, that pretty much all of southern california is desert, plain and simple. hot, hot, dry tinderbox desert. green things amaze me at this point.

and...that's it. nothing more. the climate is vapid, and so are most of the peoples in these parts...although to be fair, i've landed in party central, so this is all in passing, soberly observation based. i'm sure it's WAY more fun to live here if you are none of those things. i've been doing a lot of reading. got a library card so i've been hiding out there a bunch (classic CA...a better movie selection than anything else)....and just hanging tight. the boys get here this weekend. i cannot wait to squeeze me some babies. it's been a looong time and i am starting to feel adrift...but i know when they get here that will be that and i'll really really start to enjoy my time, both being on the downward slope of putting this rotation behind me, and teaching them to boogie board. and possibly just cooking up a little secret birthday surprise for my liam at legoland. he's gonna blow a gasket.




and that's all i've got in this momentary morose state of mind. 'spose i'll shuffle off down to the beach now to be reminded why people want to live here. cause otherwise, fun to visit but.........yeah.

transported

oh MAN. where to begin? the last 2 weeks have been insane. but in a nice warm fuzzy way. except sometimes i get a little concerned when i get in that zone and things just seem to happen, and the next thing you know, boom- i'd driven a thousand miles and have arrived in san diego like nothing really happened.

which nothing really does on the I-5 corridor. so.. its not unlike waking up from a bad dream and finding yourself in a strange place- mentally, emotionally, physically. just wipe off the drool and start over already. cause hitting snooze is not an option.

i wrote out a fun list of road trip observations, which i now can't find...and the only thing i remember is basically that coyotes win the darwin award in california hands down....more roadkill than any other species as far as i could tell. although the mostly dessicated cow got bonus points for the most original roadside carcass. i'll try to find the list, it was funny at the time.

spent a fun week catching up with classmates in hillsboro, listening to lectures, pretending to care, trying to get ramped up for internal med and failing, and celebrating graduates and new white coat wearers. there was cake. and wine. it was good.

spent the weekend prior to PPS at the coast with a few amigos participating in some surfing/camping hedonism. what a wonderful thing to drive from the desert up to the mountains, into the city, and out to the beach in a few hours. that is what the west coast is really all about. the best of all worlds. it was a delightful weekend. the blue room was a big hit. audzz and i got to hike up a fun little peak that overlooked pretty much the entire coastline south of cannon beach with a cool knife edge ridge up top. and i got to sample salmonberries along the way, a first. favorite quote of the weekend from chip- "i'm no marine biologist, but i'd say the water is warm, the sealife is onshore...you would think there would be more sharks...." and then there were.... in seaside, a few communities north, where everyone was called out of the water for that very reason. the water WAS warm- hit up a few swims sans wetsuits....but with one on, i think i could live in the ocean indefinitely. minus the shark thing.

and then my rockstar mentee put us up at her place for a week- tanya you ROCK! and we were able to go get our bowl on, hear some decent bluegrass, and then have a danceparty at the one but not only dive bar in hillsboro. that was some good times ladies. and you know who you are.

and then, boom- somehow got transported to san diego- and internal medicine at scripps. which as a facility, is pretty awesome. probably the most expensive real estate holdings of any hospital in the world, hovering above the torrey pines golf course which hovers in turn above the pacific ocean. so far, so good- getting to see and spend as much time as i want with all my patients.

which is good cause although i was prepared for the basics, HTN, hyperlipidemia, DM....i was not prepared for manic depressive alchoholic myasthenia gravis guy, cute little old esophageal cancer man with too many mets to treat, and non-hodgkins lymphoma dude who had bigger fish to fry with his CHF. i've been reading more than anything in the past 2 days, trying to make sense of this stuff. although i did have 2 whole patients today who had NO complaints, took NO medications, and were your basic happy go lucky southern californian types. just wanted an annual once over. amazing.

btw, it's a little weird when your patient is wearing an outfit that costs more than your yearly graduate school loan stipend. even weirder when you open your eyes and look around and notice that everyone in view is wearing sunglasses that cost more than your car.

but whatever. i'm going to let this whole so-cal attitude thing wash right over me. THIS IS NEVERLAND. get with it, mcleod. embrace it. now, if we could get rid of this marine layer crap and get on with the summer at the beach thing, life would be perfect.

survival of the fittest

it's been a long week without anyone (of interest) to talk to....

but on the bright side, fighting off boredom has become the task of my bike, and my bike alone. i know this for sure after attempting a run earlier this week and failing miserably. it's just been too stinking hot lately. it's like running in an oven. i hear that even the locals are getting a little fed up with the 90+ degree days at this point, which makes me feel better. i'm not as big of a pansyass as i thought, hurrah! the past 2 nites we've been graced with beautiful thunderstorms, making for decent sleeping weather AND a free car wash...a welcome bonus.

so between the boredom and the frustration of living in a house with the least bend-ish person i can imagine who drives me absolutely insane, i've been spending a lot of quality time on 2 wheels. it's my new part time job, really. it's pretty awesome.

today i ventured out on a hutch's bike shop sponsored ride...if you're in town and need anything pertaining to bikes, go see them, they are sooo good to their customers. $5 for a 50 mile ride- the cascade lake loop. i did it because it was cheap, i didn't have to carry food- their rest stop was top notch, and i thought maybe it would be nice to chat with some like minded people, ride with someone for a change. i had heard that the hutch's crowd were a force to be reckoned with, but whatever. it was 50 miles. i had all day. in fact, the longer the better cause i sure as hell didn't want to go home and get another lecture in anime. so i envisioned a quiet, long, relaxing ride.

yeah right.

seriously, does anyone in this town cruise under 25 mph...uphill??

granted, i found out later that 2 of the guys riding were just off the tour de france, so i'm sure it was a full out sprint for them. but the thrill of getting to boast that i rode in a group with tour riders was immediately lost when they dropped everyone pretty much by the end of the parking lot. it was a brief 2 minutes of fame. and while i had nothing to prove, it did sort of suck to be dropped by pretty much everyone else within the first 5 miles or so. but it did fulfill that vision of a quiet, relaxing ride. until the last 10 miles (bonus!! it was actually a 60 mile ride...surprise!!) that were all uphill, 5-9% grade...and hot. by the time i got back up to the summit at mt. bachelor i could hardly see straight. highlight of the ride was having a little blue butterfly land on my handlebars for a bit while i was drudging uphill. that should give some sort of indication of how slow i was going... meh. but i made a bit of a recovery when it was all said and done and decided that a swim might cure the double vision, so i headed over to todd lake apres ride and did just that, which totally did the trick. at that point, the thunderstorms were beginning to roll in again, and i resigned myself to going home, hoping to avoid my roomate once more because i didn't want to hear anymore about how wonderful her cat is. in baby talk.

i can't stand that cat.

so i took a nap instead. and then i avoided her some more since i could hear she was watching a movie. she is the kiss of death to any sort of movie enjoyment. i tried (really really hard) last nite to watch one with her. she told me when to laugh. i pretended not to hear her. she asked me why wasn't i laughing because it was really funny. it wasn't dark enough to roll my eyes, so i pretended i had a phone call that i had to take. (like that ever happens to me).

***but if anyone out there has EVER had a reason to call me, this next week would be really good timing. the best. really. truly. make an effort, people. i'm nearly begging.

yesterday was a similar story, trying to find something that would keep me out of the house from morning till nite. i decided to check out green lakes, not because i really wanted to- it has the reputation as being the most overcrowded spot in the 3 sisters wilderness area- but because i figured everyone else talks about it, i should know what they're talking about. just this once. it's like going to yosemite valley. hard to resist despite the fact you don't want to admit to doing it and adding to the cluster.

so i hiked up the fall creek trail, the wildflowers were unbeliveable, the waterfalls stunning, the bugs unbearable. not too much foot traffic, actually, so not very dusty, a pleasant surprise. got up into the green lakes basin- very nice alpine lakes, not the most amazing i've ever seen, but still nice. hiked up to play in some snowfields on south sister. went for a swim. had a picnic lunch. enjoyed the bug free breeze. didn't actually see all that many people. good times. hiked back down just as the thunder and lightning started. went home, fixed up my bike for today's ride (new tires, whistle whistle cat call) and watched it pour rain.

and now i'm back into the avoidance holding pattern. there's (horrendous) music playing in the living room, and she is singing along at full volume. she does this a lot. i suppose i should be glad for the distraction of background music that's actually in tune this time. i suppose i should also be glad that (as far as i know) she has not yet cast a spell on me since she's a witch after all. she told me so with great fanfare. it was another important phone call moment for me.

i seriously could not make this up if you paid me. it's that good. for one person to have so many annoying qwerks is almost mind blowing.

or miserable. but tomorrow's monday and it's back to real work. the kind that will hopefully be better than the last 5 weeks combined. fingers crossed...