guilty conscience

i'm sort of starting to develop this weird sense of guilt about all the fun i've been having...NOT in clinic. although, this time around, clinic is so bad that really, i deserve every decent moment otherwise...

this is the start of week 3 in san diego. huh. it's been such a weird time so far, it's hard to wrap it up. anxiety and depression might be a good place to start. which seems like odd concepts for me to be grappling with, as they pertain to me.

anxiety as in i can't seem to say or do anything right in clinic, it's all misconstrued and comes out wrong and i look like an idiot. and then i try to make it better by saying something else or changing the subject entirely. which then also lands flat. depression as in what i just said, now famously in print, mirrored in my eval. that came a week early, and with the punch line, "but it's not too late to pull your performance here out of the gutter..."

and there it is. the doom and gloom of performance anxiety gone horribly, horribly wrong. we have a tumultuous relationship at best, my preceptor and i. basically, we just don't talk. i've moved out of his office and into another space just to get away from the silent treatment. it's really no good. i don't know what to do about it. how can everyone else be so great and he is just...not? give me a few days and it will be funny. but right now, i just feel stupid.

fortunately, it's buffered by drug reps hawking delicious goodies and the occasional somewhat interesting schpiel...sometimes twice daily. (lunch and snack time!) there are 3 day a week catered breakfasts for staff.

one doc pulled me aside, giggling madly, and asked me how i've been enjoying my time here so far.
"well, i've not gone hungry, that's for sure", i told him. an honest answer, the best i could do.

"i KNOW!! it's just like camp, only better. i can't believe how much they're paying me and then they feed me too!"

camp scripps. add in mandatory nap time, and this place would be the pinnacle of professional acheivement. they could probably cut salaries in 1/2 and still have a waiting list of employees dying to work here. everyone should be so lucky. everyone should be so deliciously delirious about the simple notion of empty calories...and equally unashamed to show it in mad giggling fits too! i love it. today it was jamba juice. i'm secretly hoping for another round of mediterranean food. the felafels with the cucumber yogurt dipping sauce were fantastic last week. and since we've digressed here, i must say that i could eat fish tacos every nite and be happy. that slot was previously (and hautily) occupied by only sushi and pizza. they'll just have to duke it out for my gastrolove now. nothing like a little fish tacos to beat down my inner wannabefoodiesnob tendancies.

i've been walking to the beach everynite, figuring out the scene at all the beaches in these parts...none are really all that great, but i have finally landed in pacific beach for certain, towards the bay side. it's ok. whatever. i was sick of looking and it was cheap(er) than most. ben is so excited for his slice of melrose place. the sunsets have been great lately due to the fires in LA clogging up the skies and providing lots of cover for the sun to bounce off of.

and went riding bikes with megars this weekend, which was superfun...followed by a dip in the ocean, fish taco heaven, and wine on her deck watching the sun set over san clemente. it was....the gooey center of a reward already encased in the outer shell of happiness. good times. thanks megars! and also, was reminded by the media and my ride, that pretty much all of southern california is desert, plain and simple. hot, hot, dry tinderbox desert. green things amaze me at this point.

and...that's it. nothing more. the climate is vapid, and so are most of the peoples in these parts...although to be fair, i've landed in party central, so this is all in passing, soberly observation based. i'm sure it's WAY more fun to live here if you are none of those things. i've been doing a lot of reading. got a library card so i've been hiding out there a bunch (classic CA...a better movie selection than anything else)....and just hanging tight. the boys get here this weekend. i cannot wait to squeeze me some babies. it's been a looong time and i am starting to feel adrift...but i know when they get here that will be that and i'll really really start to enjoy my time, both being on the downward slope of putting this rotation behind me, and teaching them to boogie board. and possibly just cooking up a little secret birthday surprise for my liam at legoland. he's gonna blow a gasket.




and that's all i've got in this momentary morose state of mind. 'spose i'll shuffle off down to the beach now to be reminded why people want to live here. cause otherwise, fun to visit but.........yeah.