1a. if you are over 50 years old, 150+lbs overweight, wear glasses, don't shower, and are just weird in general, please make a mental note NOT to wear a grubby t-shirt that says in LARGE letters "get your nerd on!" to your doctor's office... or anyone's office for that matter. it's really, really distracting for the person on the other end who is trying to take you seriously.
1b. also, if you fall into the above category, don't argue with your healthcare provider when it comes to the results of your sleep study. there's no way you DON'T have sleep apnea, so just stop already with the excuses. and as much as your provider would like to believe that you can motivate and lose 100 lbs on your own, we might be a little skeptical given the t-shirt situation. take the short term solutions we are offering so that you can at least breathe and don't die. please.
2. even if you are bipolar with borderline personality disorders, it's probably safe to say that your ovaries are not in and of themselves, anxious. unless your ovaries are 2 of your other personalities. which could be true if you were the patient i saw today who talked to her ovaries (separately) quite regularly.
3a. please leave your aggressions towards past providers at the door. when you take up 10 minutes of your 15 minute visit complaining and threatening past providers who you believe have done you wrong with bad catheter complications, it makes it pretty hard to try to help you. and while you may laugh when a new provider suggests you get tested for a UTI and STD's to rule out reasons why you may have painful urination, understand that we're simply trying to solve your problem. referencing 1b, the bottom line is that we really would rather you didn't die.
3b. after 30 minutes of frequently awkward conversation with your provider about bodily functions, nether-regions, and quite unsolicited information about your sexual preferences, please don't try to give your provider a hug. it's creepy. it's doubly creepy when your handlebar mustache is over a foot long and you're wearing nothing but leather clothing.
4. if you're gay, then be gay. it's not a big deal. bottling it up is never a good choice. your healthcare provider, of all the people in the world, has no professional opinion on the matter, we just want you to be healthy. nervous breakdowns over the realization that you're gay when everyone else has known it for 20 years are sort of a waste of time and money.
5. lying about narcotic and illicit drug use will eventually come back to kick you in the ass. while it's sometimes difficult for your healthcare provider to believe that you can function in society on the amount of prescription pain killers you're legally on, it's frequently a little bit easier for us to see through the BS when you add more drugs to the cocktail and then come in for an appointment slurring your words, and with fresh track marks in plain sight, denying that you ever had any pain to begin with. seriously people? hope your withdrawal doesn't suck too bad. (sorry to turf to the poor ER providers here....but yeeaah)
looking forward to celebrating some march birthdays this weekend! carrot cake! brownies! sparklers! and maybe if i'm lucky it will warm up just a bit. just. a. bit.
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