laying it on the line

something i love about the army...enlisted folks are just NOT afraid to tell it like it is. (for some reason, the officers are much more reserved, i'm guessing it's because they get extra pay to tone it down. seriously, you get "bonus pay" for all sorts of silly reasons here.... if you are remotely bilingual, or you can pick your nose with either hand, or are able to procreate profusely, then man, has the army got a GREAT deal for you! it's the financial equivalent of boy scout badges of honor or something.)

diversions notwithstanding,

the army seems particularly good at deprogramming whatever filters a person might have in terms of beating around the bush. meanwhile, politeness filters seem to be installed in their place. it's kinda like being stuck in an heavily guarded area with half of the population of manhattan.... on zoloft. very strange. but funny.

my favorite patient of the week was a young man who came in with a presumptive inguinal hernia, just like the dude before him AND after him... his main issue was pain with erection and ejaculation. (and for those of you in the know, i still can't get the mini marzucco out of my head. i keep having these bad flashbacks. ptsd. yikes. it's like there's a marzucco with a halo on one shoulder telling me to compassionately do the right thing, encourage and support the psychosocial and emotional issues behind this sort of thing....and then there's a peidmonte with a halo on the other shoulder telling me to turf the jamoke to urology already )

so he says, "ma'am....i don't know how to tell you this without just saying it"

"ok, so just say it."

"the hernia doesn't bother me, but when i'm with my girl, it's a problem. i'm not leaving here until i know for sure i can get with her again."

"ok. well, let's check and see if you have a hernia to begin with. have you ever been checked for one before?"

"no ma'am."

so i explained it to him, what to expect, what i am looking for, etc. his eyes kept getting bigger and bigger. he started sweating. and then apologizing. a lot. he was so so so sorry to bother me with this, like it's not my job. it's really hard as a female PA student to astutely reassure someone that poking around their penis is no big deal. especially to this guy, to whom it was the very center of his universe. he reminded me again he was not leaving until we could fix his problem (priorities!), and then made a disclaimer that he was already pretty excited about having me poke around down there.

poor guy. i think he was envisioning a different kind of exam....not the kind he got. he was a little more than surprised.... the bonus of having 3 boys is that i was not. i even brought a whole crew of residents in with me to quell any more of his fears about being left alone to be groped by a student. stage fright can be used to your advantage any old day, really. so simple. hard to be a tough ass when you're nekked and exposed. another thing i love about army folks is that they never hesitate to get nekked when you ask. even the mere hint will send pants and shirts flying. must be another deprogramming issue.

long story short, no hernia. sent him for an ultrasound. no hernia- no surgery, then. DONE.

then he got mad and became a broken record player, partially out of a blown ego, partially out of sheer terror of what else could be wrong.

"ma'am, i am not leaving here until you can fix this."

"i don't know what to tell you, sir. it's a little out of my area of expertise. "

if i had given him some differentials, he probably would have melted into a puddle on the floor and obsessed about them to the point of nausea. referral to urology (for whom i will NOT be volunteering for next week because of this guy). go talk to the penis people, buddy.

"but ma'am....what am i supposed to do with my girl tonite then?"

ummmm....how bout a nice game of backgammon? terminator movie? putt putt? was it bad that i told him he'd just have to get creative? not my job to come up with chaste-like activities. but i'll bet there's an army bonus somewhere out there for it.